Saturday, January 14, 2012

Choosing Safe Over Sexy

My whole life I was a ‘jeans and t-shirt’ kind of girl, and nothing could ever change that. When I was in high school, during my over weight years, I would go shopping with my mom and buy the exact same things in different colors; I remember we used to have the same argument every time. My mother, who was extremely attractive and naturally slender, could not understand why I chose to dress like a boy and frankly I didn’t understand why either. All I knew at the time was that I would not be caught dead in a dress or skirt. At the time, my excuse was that I was overweight and I wanted to dress in what I considered to be “fat-flattering” clothes. Over the years however, as I lost all my extra weight and as my body changed from a little girls’ body to a grown woman’s I realized that I still dressed the same way I did in high school. I still blamed my few extra pounds for not “dressing sexy”.
                Then one day, as I got dressed to go out with one of my long-time friend (let’s call her Mary), I realized that nothing in my closet was good enough. Before I go on, let me tell you a little about Mary. Mary and I look almost identical, we are the same height; have the same hair color and length and body type. We were often mistaken for sisters. The only difference between Mary and I was the way we dressed. Mary would never leave the house without her heels and makeup. Her hair was always done and perfect and she always smelled good. Mary put extra attention in her outfits and would often wear different styles depending on what was in. Wherever we went, Mary got all the attention, I’ll tell you that but as I walked next to her in my flat shoes, my beyond basic outfit and makeup-less face I would secretly tell myself that I was a “woman of substance” and didn’t need to get attention by wearing heels or makeup. And as for my outfits, well I wasn’t a fan of fashion like she was, so that was my excuse. But secretly, I envied Mary, not for the attention she was getting, but for taking advantage of her femininity, her youth, and her beauty. Even her voice was low and husky which I know for a fact she trained herself to perfect.
                It was during that time that I realized something very crucial about myself; the reason I didn’t dress the way she did, the way I secretly wanted to, was because I never had the confidence to see myself as a sexy woman. Instead, I’d rather play it safe by wearing really simple and unflattering clothes so that if nobody gave me attention or a second look, I would comfort myself by saying “I could get their attention if I wanted to, however I like to dress simple and so that’s why they obviously didn’t notice”.  Even today, when I do force myself to get dressed up and put on a sexy pair of heels, all I can feel is people’s eyes on me, glaring at me as if they could see right through the clothes, and at the insecure person inside. As if they could see that I was trying to be something I could never be. And since confidence is widely agreed upon to be the sexiest quality in a person, I have to fix a few things inside before I can feel comfortable in heels and makeup on the outside.

My Version of Doormat to Dreamgirl

For the longest time, I was nothing but a scared little child. I suffered from low self esteem, body issues, and fear of confrontations which when put all together created the most introverted and secluded person you will ever meet. I entered one long term relationship and it took almost all of the confidence and energy I had, and when that ended, I spiraled downward so fast that within a blink of an eye I was married with two kids. My husband was inattentive, rude, selfish, and practically never around. I spent the first year of marriage battling with myself and my husband; I’d show small signs of strength and then crumble again with my inner demons.
                I wasted a decade of my life living in fear and insecurity until one day I realized something; in the past decade, while I sat at home avoiding a social life, while I sat home waiting for my husband to show up, I did one positive thing. I read books. Lot’s and lot’s of books, about everything imaginable. Relationship books, power books, psychology books,  diet and exercise books, secrets to power, law of attraction, beauty and makeup, the list was practically endless. And then it hit me, was I making good use of the information I had read? Did I try to put into action some of the scientifically proven things I had come across?
                The minute that thought crossed my mind I quickly began to filter the nonsense that I had read with the solid information that I had ingested and that is when I realized that I had a goldmine of information at my fingertips. Things that I knew were fact and yet I either didn’t have the guts or the patience to put into play. And then one night I decided that was all going to change, I was slowly going to try to implement all the strategies and information that I had learnt into my life and document the results; and because I’m the kind of person who likes to reveal every small piece of information about my life I’ve decided to write everything on this anonymous blog instead of sharing it with everyone I know and thus ruining the entire experiment.

Saturday, January 7, 2012

Come Take a Walk on the Wild Side

A path long overdue,
A feeling all too new,
How sad and caged,
Am I with you